Okay, I would like to apologize for not writing as much on this blog these days. To you, readers (as if I have some readers). Really, Life has been chaotic. And I am just trying to organize some of that chaos in a way that I could tell you, I am okay. But not really. Right now, I do not know what “being okay” means. My heart and my mind has been disorganized enough that I can say to you bluntly, I get confused and broken and disappointed too.
But since I know and I believe that I am with Jesus .. and Jesus is my constant and only friend who understands the total me and yes, my chaos. I will be okay. So here’s the thing, just don’t think am crazy or I am undergoing some stuff that makes me broken-kind-of-thing – I am still fully alive and living that faith. Because actually, some good friends would send a chat or a text or even a call when I somehow tweet a i-am-not-so-okay tweet. Trust me, I believe I can handle every situation – because I have a God. Do you get me? Or my sentences are just way too much. I am just in a rush trying to type this or else, my mind would go blank again.
You see since my last post, which totally is like 2 months ago – My heart has been craving a lot and I want to do several things and work has get into me that my life just came to a full chaotic mode. I have several books to layout, websites to design and my brother (which is going to be in another post – i hope) had an appendix removal surgery (his was ruptured).. and that brought too much panic in me and in my family that I almost break down – well, I did break down – and just knelt on my apartment floor and gave everything to God. Okay, Lord, take charge.
And he did. He did. Yes, He did.
And just every time – He always does.
So, how can you be mad at Him? How can I be mad at Him? I am in this chaos because He wanted me to trust Him.
And then I drink my coffee.
Because what is life without coffee? And what is life without having that coffee and conversation with Jesus?
Do you have that certain kind of peace when you talk to Jesus and just blurt out every feeling, every emotion, every anger or disappointments you felt the whole time? I have that. Maybe that kind of peace is an assurance that He listens, that hey, I have a God who listens, who can be silent sometimes but has ears that could hear every thing your mind, mouth and heart is saying.
There’s no breeze much these days – summer heat has fully taken over – and with that, I will find His warmth. I will embrace His warmth. Amid these chaotic movements of work, relationships and emotions, and all the things-to-do and things-I-should-have-done, I just need to take all in, embrace His warmth through this heat and just believe that Jesus is always there – having coffee with me, talking to me, listening to me. He can hear my voice. He can hear my heart. He can hear every beat and every anguish. He can. Yes, He can.
And once again, I take a sip. And talk to Him again.
Then he takes a sip, and I listen to what He has to say.
Oh Lord, take charge.